Those ‘Camera loves you’ days

Normally I am the opposite of photogenic but some days I wake up and just feel gorgeous. I have often found that there are three types of days:

1) when you look awful

2) when the mirror likes you but the camera doesn’t

3) when both the camera and mirror flatter you.

The hard part about long distance is that the camera doesn’t like me 85% of the time and yet it is the only thing allowing my fiance and I to see each other. Mr.Possible says I am always beautiful but lets be honest, that is impossible. When time is of the essence you want to be able to leave a good impression. Thankfully I have a bright lamp that covers up my imperfections. I know I can’t be perfect all the time but, he only sees me twice a week! I don’t know how guys do it but, Mr.Possible always looks his best. Males don’t cover up and yet they remain handsome. Personally, I hate make-up and choose to only wear it during special occasions. However, I can’t deny that I look better with a bit of coverage. Thankfully today was our Skype day and I was able to shine on camera for my incredible man.

Late night Easter party picture

Friends for Dinner, hectic Easter

Easter is tomorrow yep,yep,yep! Normally I would dread seeing my dads family but now I wish I could visit them. This is my last Easter with the family before I pack my stuff and leave with Mr.Possible. However, plans have changed and my friend is in need of help. I am a sucker for my loved ones and would/will do anything in order to keep them happy or safe (emphasis on the or).  Just found out my friend will be spending this holiday alone and I just can’t allow something like that to happen! So, she will now be spending tonight and tomorrow with me and my family. Unfortunately we don’t have room in the car so I may end up needing to skip Easter with the family to help her out. This is really hard to do because I love my father and really want to be with him one last time but, my friend needs me. Ever since I can remember I have been dragging stray animals into the house and once I was old enough to make friends, my parents were forced to take in children with unusual circumstances. Which is funny because, my family is dysfunctional and in no way a safe haven. My friends seem to love it here though and enjoy spending their time with me. We may not be rich or have a clean house but we are one big pile of care bears. Mom and Dad may not shoot rainbows in my direction but they welcome strangers with open arms. Sometimes having a messed up family makes you a giving person or at least a sympathetic one. Now I am rushing to the store to throw together a silly Easter basket for my friend in hopes of raising her spirits. Why must holidays be so chaotic? If all goes well I will be spending this year with BOTH my father and friend. Happy Holidays!

Nothing glamours about it

 

Poor Mr.Possible…You know those girls that are emotionally unstable and are often used for woman punch lines? Yeah, that is me. I have never met another girl who deals with periods in the same way as I do. Unlike most women, my period lasts about 7 to 9 days and in which time I suffer from two types of cramps (front and back), as well as extreme emotion dis-balance. It all starts about a week before my period and suddenly my brain has gone AWOL. I can’t tell you how many times Mr.Possible has found me crying when I am perfectly O.K and at this point I am surprised he hasn’t K.O’d me. PMS makes me into a crazy time bomb and the only question is when I will blow up. Sometimes Mr.Possible jokes and says he is going to kiss his boat good-bye and spend the money on my very own insanity room. Aw, isn’t he just sweet. In his words ,” It is necessary for both the kids and his survival.” These jokes keep us laughing until my period comes around and suddenly they are no longer funny but, hurtful. This crazy time of the month turns me into the creature of the black lagoon and transforms Mr.Possible into Kay Lawrence. Thankfully my period will be done by the time he comes home because, the last visit was a train wreck. Regrettably, there will always be a sequel to these unfortunate events.

Kind of Incredible

Tonight me and the kiddos watched some good old fashioned home videos. Sabrina was only two years young and Chase was just a newborn infant. How quickly time has passed. Isn’t it funny how long the weeks take or how slow the hour passes and yet, when the day is over it is gone. Being the oldest of four I can’t help but fear having my own children one day. Watching the youngsters grow is incredible but, it is also very depressing. When mother and I changed Chase’s bed sheets we grabbed an old Toy Story comforter. “Wasn’t this Roberts when he was little,” my mother asked. Suddenly gloom filled both of our faces as we realized how much has changed. Robert is a freshman in high school and has taken on that typical rebellious skater-boy phase. I kind of miss when he copied every thing I did…When did I decide growing up was a good thing? Yes, I have a world of adventure ahead of me and a life time of companionship as well but, I can’t help realizing that growing old is inevitable. Chase is now in T-ball and my father has taken on the role of assistant coach. It is painful watching my dad huff and puff as he runs base to base. Even mothers gray hairs are peeking through. Where is the pause button on this crazy show? Dying doesn’t scare me but growing old is terrifying. I don’t wish to die young but wouldn’t it be great to be a everlasting beauty? If you die young you are forever remembered as energetic and lively because the world never had to see your aging face. Marilyn Monroe probably wouldn’t be a timeless beauty, if only we had gotten to see her be kissed by father time.  Mr.Possible is handsome now and I doubt he will ever strike me as ugly but how will I handle his wrinkling features? No, looks aren’t what keeps me ticking though, you must admit, watching yourself fade is a hard pill to swallow. Right now, Chase and Sabrina are sharing the same bunk-bed me and Robert once did. Chase and Sabrina will wake us all up bright and early to greet the weekends beginning. Mother, Robert and I will regrettably have to get up with them. Someday Mr.Possible will be badgered to get up and celebrate fathers day and me, mothers day. The world doesn’t stop for us or for anyone. When Mr.Possible leaves home I am alone and sad but time doesn’t care. Morning will surely turn into night, whether or not I wanted it to do so. Today will become tomorrow and yesterday will transform into last week. I don’t know how the machine of life works but, it is kind of incredible.

Holidays and Divorce

Ever since I started my freshman year I have been splitting up holidays left and right. Some holidays are spent with Mr.Possibles family and others are broken up between my mother and step-fathers family. Easter is around the corner and this is my fathers holiday with us. I love my dad very much but have never been close to his side of the family. Every time we have a celebration with his side I end up being anti-social and depressed. Seriously, his sister and her kids keep to themselves while we stay put on our side of Grandpa’s yard. I have nothing against my aunts children or her but, we certainly are two different breeds. Remember those kids that would burp and fling food across the table? Well, that describes my cousins behavior at the awesome age of 15. My aunt has a ton of kiddos and they are accidents just waiting to happen. Sometimes I would rather spend my dad’s holiday with my mother but, I don’t want to upset him. One of my cousins is almost half a year younger and still we are in different worlds. My dad always said I was just mature for my age and yet I have never seen a friend of mine behave the way my cousin does. Don’t get me wrong…I love and care for all my family very much. However, it is really hard to enjoy the holiday when your dinner company is either obnoxious and/or disturbing. Hoping that this year will finally be different.

Legal before Love

Well the countdown is official because, it is on the calendar! Mr.Possible if finishing tech. school and packing his bags for home. Suddenly I find myself distracted with trying to decide on how to dress…I get a little paranoid every time he returns home. I just want to be what he remembers or better. Anyway, we are going to the court house to become legally married but we aren’t going to consider ourselves as husaband and wife until the wedding in October. The reason for doing the legal stuff first is so I can live with him right after the honeymoon. If we signed the paper work the day of the wedding then we wouldn’t be able to take it to an AFB until after we got back from Kauai. We both want to avoid limbo land…I am getting anxious to get my I.D and everything set so we can finally have some peace of mind. Mr.Possible was so relived when I told him I was willing to have a civil ceremony before the wedding. I mean, my marriage isn’t for the government. I am getting married to Mr.Possible when God and my family are involved. The wedding is almost completely planned and I am very excited to get started on the little details. I am so happy because we found a cute cabin to rent for the whole event. Our wedding is almost 100% DIY and that allows me to be in full control plus, keep a low budget. The cabin is beautiful and the property is surrounded by grass, trees, and has its own big sparkling pond. We are renting the place for three nights so we have time to decorate and since it sleeps 33 people we can help out our out-of-towners. Some people have said our wedding will be a vow-renewal but, I really see it as the actual ceremony. We will celebrate October 19th as our wedding anniversary rather than April 17th. This was a choice made between the two of us and our family lovingly agrees. Military marriage is different than civilian marriage because I am not welcomed until I receive on-base privileges  Since this is Mr.Possibles first duty station he can’t live off barracks until married and he can’t receive any money for housing either. I just want to go home with my husband after the honeymoon and not be stressed about renting a hotel in CA. We would rent a home if he was going to be stationed somewhere cheaper and/or surrounded by civilian housing. Sadly, our first station is in the middle of no where and anything in CA that would be in our price range is sketchy. On top of the cost of living we won’t have a car. The odds are stacked against us and we decided this is the best route. It made me much happier to find that many military couples have taken this course of action though, most of them move in together and plan to have a wedding later on in life. We may not be understood by the majority but the important thing is that we agree and have a plan. Today, Mr.Possible called me and couldn’t stop talking about the wedding. It means the world to me to have a guy that is so involved. I am very much in love with this man.

Cheating

Okay, sorry for the corny picture but I couldn’t help it! Recently I had a conversation with a gal who was struggling in her marriage. The problem was that her husband doesn’t trust her, even though she hasn’t cheated. I then asked her what her and her husbands boundaries where and I was shocked that they had never discussed the topic. Yes, everyone has the basic idea that kissing, flirting, sex, and touching another person are considered cheating but cheating is so much more than that! My friend then told me that she went out to hang with a old guy friend, alone, at a concert. “I have known him forever! If my husband has a problem with us hanging out then I obviously need to leave because he is being too controlling.” At this point I was so shocked my jaw literally rested on the floor! I have never thought men and women should hang out with someone of the opposite gender alone while participating in a steady relationship. This doesn’t mean you need to kiss your guy/girl friends good-bye but, it does mean you should have company with you at all times. Even if there is no love interest why would you want to risk you partner getting the wrong idea? Lets say someone saw you without realizing it was a friend and your partner is now in a position to believe you or someone else. It is simpler to keep misconceptions from happening. Also, flirting with other people may just be fun and harmless to you but, be honest. If you read your partners messages on accident you would be upset that they could be so intimate with someone besides yourself. Another way of cheating is watching porn. Lets get serious here. If that pair on the screen was having sex in the same room as your partner and your partner couldn’t touch them, you would still be ticked off that they were there. Sex on a screen is no different (Men don’t think girls watch woman action like you. They would be sitting in the same room next to a naked man). Porn isn’t good to watch together either but, that is a different story. Mr. Possible and I have made a list of rules to keep our mind at ease:

Rule 1) Inform your partner when texting/emailing/calling the opposite gender to avoid misconceptions.

Rule 2) Never go out with the opposite sex alone.

Rule 3) Don’t watch porn

Rule 4) Don’t go to the opposite genders home alone (should have company anyway)

Rule 5) Introduce partner to any friends of the opposite sex

Rule 6) Don’t do intimate hugs or other forms of touching with opposite gender

Rule 7) If your partner is uncomfortable with a certain person then discuss a way to help them with their insecurity and stay away from person until problem is resolved

Rule 8) Don’t hang out with person of opposite sex more than with your partner

Rule 9) Always keep in contact with your partner while with person of opposite sex

Rule 10) Basic cheating no-nos (don’t hang out with anyone who you know likes you more than a friend)

I know some of those seem extreme but here is the reasoning. I chose my partner because, I love him and he completes me. Under no circumstance do I want my partner to feel uncomfortable and so I am willing to chose his mental wellness over a night of fun. Nobody wants to sit at home while their mind creates all kinds of false scenarios. I have guy friends that I hang out with and we have never run into a problem due to these rules. Mr. Possible deserves peace of mind and if I have to follow rules to give him that then I will. Having rules doesn’t make the other person clingy or controlling but it does help avoid trust issues and misconceptions. At the end of the day Mr.Possible is the one waiting for me, not my guy friends and therefore, he is my top-priority.

 

Both men and women cheat. In my life I have seen more unfaithful women than men and it is no surprise! It is easily expressed that men should stay away from women, while it is widely accepted for women to have guy friends. Relationships are for two and the standards should be equal. Mr. Possible and I don’t think admiring another persons physique or visage is cheating because, you can’t help but notice a beautiful person…But, it is cheating to lust after that attractive person and take your mind and heart off your partner for a second of self pleasure.

Every person is different but, as a military fiance I need to trust Mr.Possible with all of my heart. These rules help. Another thing we do is share email and facebook account passwords because, it creates a feeling of unity and trust. I only go on his account when he needs me to check/do something and if I am bored but, other than that I don’t log on. Problem with sharing accounts before you fully trust each other is the fact that they can’t control if someone of the opposite sex comments or likes a picture/status. Sharing accounts is best suited for trusting partners to avoid further distance between a couple. Anyway, cheating is wrong and it defined by each couple differently. Talk to your partner before you end up like my friend because, you may not be living up to your loved ones expectations. (Our list of rules is not for everyone!)

Daddy’s Girl in a Bitter world

I won’t ever know what his voice sounds like or how it feels to be in his arms. I won’t be called princess as we sit and watch late night television. He is gone and he left me alone to grow up harsh. He doesn’t know my personality or realize that I am naturally sarcastic. My father won’t listen to the songs I wrote or read my short stories. Why? Because my father left me and never looked back. How is it possible to hate and love someone so much? I still wake up in a cold sweat when I dream about the belt buckle. I still envy my Sabrina who gets to relish in her daddy’s love. My step-dad never gave me the special treatment and I was never his little girl. My real father never so much as sent me a birthday card with a five dollar bill. I grew up hating men and feeling lonely. How could he look at his daughter and think leaving was an option? I couldn’t have done anything wrong because I was only a kid. How am I expected to live happily without knowing what it was like to be close to my father. We won’t have jokes and he never took me to a father-daughter dance. Just like steam, he is transparent and fading into the great beyond. I almost wish I had no memories of him or that I would wake up and not even know he existed but, he does and I do. They can be bitter thoughts or even a sweet memory but they flicker light a street light and give me no aid or clarity. I will live tortured by his existence and envious of all those girls around me. He wasn’t noble and didn’t die in a act of god or for the greater good. No, he was a coward and he has no excuse. People change as they grow but I have grown a lot and he doesn’t deserve to see my final out come. Where do I go from here? My wedding is soon approaching and I will be fooling myself. I want to feel like a daddy’s girl even if it is a hoax or fraud. I want it more than almost anything.

Hot and Ready

 

Sorry if I burst your bubble on this one but the topic isn’t strictly about sex. I know you are dying to here the juicy details of Mr.Possible’s and my sex life but, you will have to hold your breathe for that blog post because, I am not sure I have the guts to let all our dirty cats out of the bag. Mr. Possible is coming home and I miss my fiance more than my posts can express! Have you ever found yourself looking at someone and wondering why you can’t look away. I know marriage is a awful road that can often lead to no where but I feel like I am just ready to go. After analyzing the situation it was probably best for Mr.Possible and I to have a visit during his PCS. Why? Well, it keeps us true to ourselves and what we believe. Sometimes when you love a person so much you let your morals fly out the door and disappear in the great big  world. Without your morals, who are you? When we are together and fighting temptation it is hard to say no when everything with him feels so right. We take turns being responsible for the other person but when my shift comes I have to just leave because it is hard to not give in to him. No, Mr.Possible has never pressured me to do anything but there is pressure. When I am with him I just want to be close but sex is doesn’t and won’t do that for us. In about 2.5 weeks Mr.Possible and I will be legally married but that doesn’t mean we have a green light. We both decided, as a team, that our marriage isn’t with the government but with God and our family.

 

How many people can say they married their high school sweetheart? How many people can say they did that without divorce? I don’t know where me and Mr. Possible are headed but I am know I would regret not finding out. The future is a menace but it is one issue I won’t face alone. I wouldn’t deal with the military BS if I wasn’t ready to take the plunge with a guy as amazing as Mr.Possible. I don’t know what told me to pick him but I am glad I gave us a chance. Right now hell is freezing over and my world is bubbling over time but, I-am-ready.