Losing Faith

Today I am a wreck…Hubby called and his deployment has been pushed forward and now we are financially screwed. Our formal wedding was meant to be in April but now we must prepare and have an October wedding. So much money has gone out the door and none of it is refundable. We are short 2,000 dollars and have no way to make it up. No family is willing to help and I feel as if I have been abandoned. A women who claimed to be doing us a favor said she would help us out and then fell off the face of the earth. I am so heart broken and hurt. Not only will my husband be gone for a year and leaving sooner than we hoped but we are also losing our wedding that we have been paying for since we got engaged. I know this is a pity party blog but I have no words of hope. My heart has shattered and my pockets are empty. I am desperately looking for work but have found nothing. Why must this happen after so much hard earned money was spent? We both worked so hard to pay payments and stay out of debt. We don’t want to take out a loan and we have no option but to forget the wedding and lose all the money we have spent. I just feel like crying and don’t see any hope in this at all. Is it selfish to hope for some help to fall from heaven?

Christians and Gay Rights

   

It has been a very long and difficult journey for the gay community as they protest and challenge the nation to step up and recognize them as an equal part of society. This journey has also been difficult for many Christians who feel as though they have a role to play in this and as a Christian I felt I AM called to do something and that is this: First I am going to address the different approaches of anti-gay marriage Christians and then I will explain why I think they need to be reevaluated

1) Christians who protest that God hates gays and that they are called to judge

I am afraid I do not have many kind words for this type of Christian but what I can say is that you have BECOME the sons of vipers and are the very image of the Pharisees. Jesus walked with broken men and showed them kindness but he would not tolerate the churches ill behavior. We are called to keep other Christians accountable by first speaking with them in private then later seeking the help of an official in the church. One should never publicly humiliate another human being in order to serve grand punishment. God does not hate anyone and you have used many verses out of context. I do suggest that you look at yourself and be thankful that nobody has held picket signs and announced to the world your every sin. Sin is all the same in the eyes of God and for every lie you tell you might as well be gay. You my friend are living in a glass house.

2) The Christians that would be okay if it was called something other than marriage.

You are the confused sort that has not yet discovered how to be kind and honest at the same time. This very thought is condoning something that God has not approved. There is no loophole in sin. Human words alone do not embody Gods desires but merely describe his expectations in the simplest way. Even the word love is poorly used in the bible because America only has one definition of love while there are multiple definitions in the bibles original language. DO NOT be so caught up on scripture word for word because it is a watered down version of what is really being said. God has said that church and state should not be one “let what is Cesar’s be Cesar’s and what is God’s be God’s”. Being legally joined together does not mean that they will be having a holy wedding. The legal aspect of a wedding is just paper but the spiritual aspect is something only the two can create between themselves and God. Heterosexual couples have unholy weddings everyday and use marriage as a status of both legal joining and celebration of being in love with another. Only the couple can bring God into their lives and into their union.

3) Christians that are not saying anything but voting no

I believe that this is the best thing you could do or at least the second best action. You are not condemning the community publicly and are also holding true to your beliefs. The reason I say this is second best is because this group is mixed. This is the best possible thing to do if you are also standing up for the gay community. Confused? Well let me explain….Even if you do not agree with the gay community it is your role as a Christian to help any human that is a creation of God ( meaning everybody). This means that you must defend them when they are being attacked verbally and physically (even if the attacker is apart of the church). No human deserves to be treated in such an embarrassing and hurtful way and it is your job as a Christian to let them know that both you and God love them. Reach out and show compassion because we each fall into different sins. Maybe your heart struggles from avoiding porn or you tell a lie more than you should (which, you should never lie so any lie is one too many). Rethink your own sins and understand you are no better. If someone egged your house and spray painted your every sin on the driveway or even took it to the news, you would be mortified and ashamed. The very cruelty of it would probably make you question God, wouldn’t it? If you wish to be this Christian then make sure you continue to follow Jesus while being anonymous in vote.

4) You are a Christian that is ALL for Gay Rights and Gay Marriage

Make sure you understand that you are walking a thin line of either supporting sin or being a good Christian. If you are voting yes and are publicly supporting the gay community then check your reasons. Is it because you believe God gave them the right to choose their sin and you are defending them against all naysayers or are you saying the sin should be accepted? Are you voting yes because they have the right to a legal joining or because you think this is not a sin at all? Make sure that when voting yes you are doing it for the right reasons and not standing up for the sin. You and God know whats in your heart and only you can determine if you are in his blessing.

The Gay community is one that needs love and needs friends. Be the best person and do what is right in the eyes of the Lord. These are his children you are tormenting and in the end you and him will meet and you will face whatever sins you have yet to be forgiven for. The is an eggshell world and you must do what is good and not what is accepted by the masses. God wants us to go out into the world and share his wisdom and love. How do you expect the gay community to ever want to join the church when you are holding up picket signs? How can you bring love to someone you have only shown hate? If one day your sins become public and no longer thrive in the secrecy of God’s knowledge then you may feel they cruelty you are inflicting onto others. You are not a bad person and I sympathize with you during this time of change. This is not the world created for us it is the world we created. Tread carefully and with meaning and understand that God cherishes the lost sheep’s return more than the loyalty of the herd. Also keep in mind that Jesus was quick to whip the church and gentle with the masses. I pray that you may find the path God wishes you to walk during this journey.

Marriage and Sex

The thing I love about blogging is having the ability to discuss topics that are secretive while remaining anonymous. As a kid I experienced sexuality much sooner than I should have and therefore gained a fairly large libido or so I thought. When I started high school I found that girls were more open about their sexual wants and discovered that my desires were no higher than the next girl. Then I met my husband. I openly admit that we messed up and had sex before marriage and even though we felt guilty, our sex life was good. My husband was always craving me and wanted to enjoy sexy time but that excitement for us was short lived. I soon became the initiator but he would still participate if tempted…Sex for us now, is painful. My husband lost his drive more and more and then eventually admitted to me he never had a drive. Although he watched porn my husband never took interest in it and only masturbated about once a month. It may seem golden to have found a man who really doesn’t like porn but it isn’t so great to have found a husband that isn’t into sex. When I first started getting rejected I couldn’t help but wonder what was going on! My husband of course had a billion excuses for why he didn’t want any sexual interaction but it felt like I was the problem. Aren’t men supposed to walk around all day sex hungry or beg you to allow them some sexy time? Well, apparently not. I immediately started trying to fix my image and did what I could to become more attractive but it was all a waste of effort. My husband didn’t want sex and I couldn’t help feeling like I was the reason. This frustration led me on a search to find a answer and what I found was incredible. I discover more forums of sex deprived women then I would have ever imagined! Here I was thinking men were supposed to be the chasers and I quickly discovered that it usually swings the other way. I decided to strap on my big girl panties and talk to my friends. Three out of the four sympathized with me and could relate! We were all suffering from a lack of confidence due to our husbands low sex drive! Neither me or my friends have found a way to solve this problem but we are fairly certain that we are not the problem. My husband and I have an wonderful relationship and enjoy a fun/loving life together. Both him and I cuddle before bed and help each other out around the house. In fact, Mr. Possible and I got into a fun food fight after dinner then shared a intimate shower that ultimately led to no sex. He says it just isn’t a priority and he just doesn’t want it. I love him and can’t change who he is but sometimes it is hard to fall asleep while feeling unloved.

What you are, who you wear?

Mr.Possible and I finished a fun day at the Roseville, California mall and my feet are sore! This mall was insanely big with multiple floors and tons of name brand stores. As we walked around we came across Abercrombie and Fitch, the store recently bashed for being unsympathetic towards plus sizes. I do not agree with what the CEO has said but also don’t agree with the fat pride movement. I think everyone should love their skin but trying to make obesity an acceptable standard seems ridiculous…There is a normal weight and a curvy size that is okay. I am in no way a skinny girl but I do walk that average/above average line (152 and I am 5’1). Today I walked into A&F to buy a dress and a woman made a comment saying that I was terrible for continuing to shop there. I simply said that I will not stop buying a quality product that I like because of what the CEO thinks. If plus size woman think that I am purposely bashing them by wearing the product then I think they have one serious ego. I cannot wear clothes from Lane Bryant but wouldn’t complain because I think it is normal for companies to pick target groups (whether they’re bigger or smaller). Now, I understand people view A&F as unwearable now due to the interview with Michael Jeffries but that seems extreme. If the Lane Bryant CEO said she despises skinny people then I would think “gee that person sure is a troll” but if plus size women looked good in the clothes then they should continue to wear the brand. It seems that you are what you wear. I just didn’t realize my cute new dress would define my views on weight….

Are you a military wife?

I feel as if I adjusted easily into the military culture but figure that is due to being a Airman GF for over a year. The people I met during my time as a girlfriend/fiance were so kind and I am now blessed to have made even more friends! Nothing compares to the military family and Mr.Possible and I are loving it! Lately the word has spread about my cooking and I am feeding more and more mouths every night. Unmarried men seem to flock to where the oven is hot and lucky for them our kitchen is always in service. Mr. Possible and the boys kindly wash the dishes and clean once they are fed. After we say goodbye to our (often) uninvited guests we do a load of laundry. Military has us running a load nearly 5 times a week! Nothing is worse then cleaning out the combat boots and PT gear, yuck! There are so many interesting things that come with this life style including finding more boot blousers around the house than bobby pins! Everyday I seem to be picking up more of the lingo and find that my friends and family often don’t know what I am talking about (darn those acronyms). I am new here and yet I seem to be transforming into something other than “just” a wife.

The wedding dress has been found and I am so excited for the formal wedding! Mr. Possible and I dressed so casual when we went to the JOP but now I get to be at my best!

My own changes

  Mr. Possible and I have been married for a couple months now and things are going great! We got stationed out in sunny California and live up north with the big oak trees. Everything here is perfect and better than what I dreamed. I grew up in Arizona and therefore never got to experience the smell of grass in the morning or the sound of rustling trees at night. This land is my land and it feels like it was made for me. Mr.Possible and I are currently hunting for a new home and losing an arm and a leg in the process. We would live on base if the cell/internet service wasn’t so bad but it is and I really do enjoy using the service I pay for. Anyway, I have been getting ready for college while continuing to plan our formal wedding. Things are looking up and I am certain we will be hosting our dream celebration! Mother is pretty excited to have me come home for a bit to finish some wedding details but, I don’t think she will be expecting “the talk”. It is not what you are thinking! I promise that I am not having a baby and parenthood is not on my list of change. However, becoming and Airman IS on my list. You heard it hear first ducklings! I am joining the high flying Air Force and start ROTC this year. I will probably only serve four years since hubby and I want some bouncing brats but, it feels like something I need to do! Wish me luck!

Rainy Day

I will dig a hole. Save my pennies for a rainy day.

I’m not scared. I’ll build a wall. Saw it coming from a mile away.

Someday I will know when to close myself off from the world and I will be able to brace for a storm. Today, I am not prepared. The world takes what it can and leaves me in the ashes. My heart and soul will learn the skills necessary to survive but, they won’t accomplish that today.

Friday I’m in Love

My would you look at the time? Another week gone and past but I am so glad. Mr. Possible has officially been gone a week which means we are that much closer to being together again. Military is great at forcing you to respect the calendar. Yes, the all mighty teller of days and the king of all countdowns! Without that calender I would run in circles while praying that Mr.Possible would emerge out of no where. Like many people my age, I enjoy procrastination! The calender is helpful in aiding my delusion that one day is plenty of time to finish a project that was assigned a month ago! Funny how your personality controls a calenders impact on your life. Anyway, Friday is great because it reminds me that I am either one step closer to something or one step further from something. If something bad happens Friday helps ease the pain and sweep me away from the torment but, if something good is coming then Friday helps amp my excitement! I suppose other days of the week harbor the same effect but, Friday has the most hype. No matter the case, you can always count on Friday to be your tub of Ben and Jerry!

My Friends?

I have had the same friends since the fifth grade and it amazes me to see how life has changed us. I was the only one of my friends to leave high school early, get married young, work full time, and miss senior year. In honesty I don’t feel like I am missing anything. My friends sound miserable. While they deal with senior year BS, I am off enjoying community college and a full time job. Surprisingly, I enjoy the business of it all. Even though I am legally married I am still at home with the family. Mr. Possible and I signed our license in order to get on the housing list so we wouldn’t be homeless after the honeymoon. Weddings drain you and we wanted to have a on-base home prepared for our arrival. Things didn’t turn out as planned but, now we will return to our apartment in Roseville, CA. My friends and I are in completely different worlds! Oddly enough only one of them has started planning her future…I don’t claim to be mature but, suddenly my friends seem to be on a different page. I love them all and know they are here for me but, we don’t have much in common. Once they join me in the real world I am sure we will once again feel connected but, until then I am stranded. They are my only anchor and a constant reminder that my life has started. As they gripe about prom dresses I sit here and fuss over insurance/ wedding struggles. Never in a million years would I have predicted my life to lead me here. My sister (best friend-seen above)  and I talked the other night while laying on her patio. She and I are drifting towards different paths, we always thought we would be together and live -at most- a couple hours away…Obviously, that is impossible. I am so happy to be where I am but, it is hard seeing all that I have slowly transform into a memory. May I never forget any of them.